Thank you, honey, but you really didn't have to do this.
Son of a bitch! What if me and the baby had been picked up?
- Turn left here. - He'd be accessory to armed robbery.
- It ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded. - What kind of home life is it for a toddler?
- You supposed to be an example. - For what?
I never postured myself as a three-piece suit type. Turn right, honey.
- We got a child now! Everything's changed! - Nathan Junior accepts me for what I am.
And I think you better had too. You know, honey, I'm OK, you're OK.
- That there's what it is. - I know, but, honey...
See, I come from a long line of frontiersmen.
Here it is, dear. Turn here. Frontiersmen and outdoor types.
I'm not gonna live this way, Hi. It just ain't family life.
Well, it ain't Ozzie and Harriet.
You two are leavin'. I got nothin' against you, but you're wanted by the authorities.
And you're a bad influence in this household in my opinion.
Well, ma'am...
We sure didn't mean to influence anybody.
And if we did, ma'am, we apologise.
I'm goin' tomorrow to see about shots for the baby. When I come back, you better be gone.
What's he need, his dip-tet?
I'm awful sorry, boys, but when Ed gets mad,
you know, she gets an idea.
There ain't a thing to apologise for, H I.
Seems pretty clear what the situation is here.
Yeah. I guess the missis wants us to clear out.
Now, H I, if you'll pardon me for sayin' so,
- I get the feelin' that this ain't workin' out. - Edwina's generally a real sweetheart.
And, as per usual, I wouldn't be surprised
if the source of the marital friction weren't financial.
As a matter of fact, I did lose my job today.
Hi, you're young and you got your health. What you want with ajob?
But I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.
Now, as you know, Evelle here and I never go anywhere without there's a purpose.
And here we are in your little domicile.
- We come to invite you in on a little score. - A bank, H I.
Come on now!
I know you're partial to convenience stores, but dammit, H I,
the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery.
It's like Doc Schwartz says, you gotta have a little bit of ambition.
We just watchin' on the news. Somebody snatched up one of them Arizona babies.
- For chrissakes. - That there's somebody who's thinkin' big.
And here you are, sittin' on your butt, playin' house with a - don't get me wrong, H I -
with a fine woman, but a woman who needs one of them button-down types.
- I don't particularly think that's any of your... - Hold on, H I. Now lookee there.
That's a picture of El Dorado.
The locals call it the Farmers and Mechanics Bank of La Grange.
Looks like a hayseed bank. Tell you the truth, it is a hayseed bank.
But the last Friday of every financial quarter, it has more cash than flies at a barbecue.
- And guess what day it is tomorrow. - When all the hayseeds come in and
cash their farm subsidies cheques.
- A1 information, Hi. - Got it in the joint
from a guy named Lawrence Spivey, one of Dick Nixon's undersecretary of agricultures.
In for soliciting sex from a state trooper.
Ordinarily we don't associate with that type of person, but...
he was tryin' to make a few Brownie points.
Boys, I can't.
Hi, we need someone handy with a scatter-gun, coverin' them hayseeds,
while we go in there and get that cash.
You understand, H I? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree
to cover the entire Southwest. And we keep goin' until we can retire... or we get caught.
Either way, we're fixed for life.
Boys, it's a kind offer, but...
you're suggesting I just up and leave Ed.
And that'd be pretty damn cowardly, wouldn't it?
Would it? Think about it, H I.
Seems to me sittin' here you ain't doin' her any good.
And you ain't bein' true to your own nature.
My dearest Edwina,
tonight, as you and Nathan slumber, my heart is filled with anguish.
I hope that you will both understand, and forgive me for what I have decided I must do.
By the time you read this, I will be gone.
I will never be the man that you want me to be.
The husband and father that you and Nathan deserve.
Maybe it's my upbringing.
Maybe it's just that my genes got screwed up.
I don't know.
But the events of the last day have showed amply
that I don't have the strength of character to raise up a family
in the manner befitting a responsible adult.
I say all this to my shame.
I will love you always, truly and deeply.
But I fear that, if I stay, I would only bring bad trouble
on the heads of you and Nathan Junior.
I feel the thunder gathering even now.
If I leave, hopefully,
it will leave with me.
I cannot tarry.
Better I should go, send you money and let you curse my name.
Your loving -
Herbert.
Mr Arizona, he just barged in. Should I call Duane?
Hell, no. Why wake the security guard?
I'll take care of this.
- You got flies. - I doubt it.
This place is climate-controlled. All the windows are sealed.
- Who the hell are you? - Smalls. Leonard Smalls.
My friends call me Lenny. But I got no friends.
Stop. You're gonna make me bust out cryin'.
Listen, Leonard... you want some furniture or a shit-box, they're on the sales floor.
I'm not a customer. I'm a manhunter.
Now, of course, I do hunt babies on occasion.
I hear you got one you can't put your hand to.
- What do you know about it? - That's my business.
I'm a tracker, and some say part hound dog.
But when some dink busts outta the joint, skips bail, I'm the one they call.
Mister...
I got the cops, state troopers, Federal BI, already lookin' for my boy.
- Now if you got information... - The cops won't find your boy.
A cop couldn't find his butt if he had a bell on it.
You wanna find an outlaw, you call an outlaw.
You wanna find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.
Smalls, first off, get your damn feet off my furniture.
Second off, it's widely known I posted a 25-grand reward for my boy.
Now if you can find him, claim it.
Short of that, what have we got to talk about?
Price. Fair price.
That's not what you say it is. That's what the market will bear.
Simple economics.
Now there are people - and, mind you, I know 'em - that'll pay a lot more than $25,000
for a healthy baby.
- What are you after? - I'll give you an idea.
As a pup, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market.
That was 1954 dollars.
Now, for 50 grand, I'll track him
and I'll find him.
And the people that took him... I'll kick their butts.
No extra charge.
- And if I don't pay? - I'll get the boy regardless.
And if you don't pay, the market will.
You wanna know what I think?
I think you're an evil man.
I think this is nothin' but a goddamn screw job. I think it's a shakedown.
I think you're the one that took Nathan Junior
and I think you're the one that's gonna get his butt kicked.
I think I'm on the phone to the cops right now...
Up and at 'em, H I! Today's the first day of the rest of your life.
Already you're messin' it up. Missis gonna be back from town soon.
- Where's the baby? - In the bedroom in his crib.
He's sawin' toothpicks. He'll be fine.
- You expectin' anyone? - No.
You two stay outta sight.
- Mornin', Glen. - I ain't comin' in, if you don't mind.
I'll just keep my distance.
- I didn't invite ya in, Glen. - Don't even bother.
- First off, you're fired, and that's official. - I kinda figured that, Glen.
Well, that ain't the reason I come out here. No, sir!
No. You're in a whole shitload of trouble, my friend.
- Why don't yajust calm down? - Why don't you just make me?
You know that little baby you got in there? Remember? I know what his real name is!
- You wanna keep your voice down, Glen? - I'll pitch my voice wherever I please!
His name ain't Hi Junior, it ain't Ed Junior, but it's Junior, all right. It's Nathan Junior!
You stay away from me, McDunnough!
Yeah. You're an awful big man when you got somethin' around to clobber a guy with!
- I ain't a big man. - That's right.
And now you're at my mercy.
I'm your worst nightmare. I was gonna turn you in for the reward,
but Dot wants somethin' to cuddle. I guess we'll be callin' the baby
Glen Junior from now on!
I'll give you a day to break the news to Ed!
Dot'll be around tomorrow to pick him up.
Either that, or you go to jail.
Say, that reminds me.
You'll be gettin' a doctor bill in the mail in a few days. I recommend you pay it!
- What's goin' on here? - It's just business.
This'll go hard or easy, H I.
Sweet Lord!
' She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes
' Oh, when she comes
' She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes
Good!
I know you're worried, but we're gonna get him back. There ain't no question about that.
We will. That's all there is to it. And another thing...
I'm gonna be a better person from here on out. That's the way it's gonna be. It's official.
You were right. A blind man could tell ya that.
They won't hurt him. They're in it for the score.
But I'm a changed man. You were right, I was wrong.
We got a family here. I'm gonna start actin' responsibly.
So let's go, honey. Let's go get Nathan Junior!
' All have chicken and dumplings
' Yeah, we'll all have chicken and dumplings when she comes
I lurve to drive.
- Boy, you sure said somethin' there, partner. - Yes, sir.
I figure between the ransom and this bank,
you and I'll be sittin' in the fabled catbird seat.
Gale...
Junior just had an accident.
- What's that, partner? - He had hisself a little ol' accident.
- What do you mean? He looks OK. - No, you see, movin' though we are,
he just went and had hisself a little old rest dump.
Well, that's natural.
- Gale? - What now, little brother?
He smiled at me.
The kid smiled at me.
Come here, boy. Nice.
- Do you know how to put these things on? - Around the butt and up over the groin area.
Shoot, I know where they go, old-timer. I just wanna know whether I need pins or fasteners.
Well, no. They got tapettes already on there. It's self-contained and fairly explanatory.
Balloons. Hey, these blow up into funny shapes at all?
Well, no, unless round is funny.
I'll take these too.
All right, now...
Now you just lie down back there, old-timer.
Yes, sir.
All right, I want you to count up to... 825
- and then on back down to zero. - OK, then.
I'm gonna come back in five and check to see you ain't cheatin'.
- Hurry up! - He's a cheerful little critter
- once he warms up to you. - I don't know how high this one can count.
Six Mississippi, seven Mississippi,
eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi...
Got some baby grub, baby wipes,
got them diapers, them disposable kind. I got me a packet of balloons.
- They blow up into funny shapes at all? - No, just circular.
Say... where's Junior?
- What do you mean? Didn't you put him in? - No, I thought...
Where'd we leave him?
No!
801 Mississippi, 800 Mississippi...
Junior!
791... Bullshit!
790 Mississippi...
- 787 Mississippi... - Baby! Baby!
Baby! Baby!
Promise we ain't ever gonna leave him, Gale.
- Promise we ain't never gonna give him up. - We ain't gonna give him up again, Evelle.
He's our little Gale Junior now.
Ed...
I realise I can't be much of a comfort to you now.
But let me just say this:
- You'll feel a whole lot better... - I don't wanna feel better.
- Honey... - I don't care about myself any more.
I don't care about us any more.
- I just want Nathan Junior back safe. - I know that.
If we don't get him back safe, I don't wanna go on livin'.
And even if we do get him back safe, I don't wanna go on livin' with you.
I guess I still love you, Hi.
I... I know I do.
I ain't even blamin' you.
The whole thing was crazy and the whole thing was my idea.
- Well, factually, I myself bear a very large... - Let me finish.
Ever since those jailbirds took little Nathan, I been thinkin' and I ain't too proud of myself.
Even if Mrs Arizona had more than she could handle,
I was a police officer, sworn to uphold the Constitution of the United States.
- Now, honey, you resigned before we ever... - That ain't the point, Hi.
We don't deserve Nathan Junior any more than those jailbirds do.
- If I'm as selfish and irresponsible as you... - You're not that bad.
If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?
You and me is just a fool's paradise.
- There she is. - Yep.
Well... let's do her.
- What are we gonna do with Gale Junior? - He stays here.
Are you crazy? Supposin' we go in there and get ourselves killed.
It'd be hours before he was discovered.
All right, you hayseeds, it's a stick-up!
Everybody freeze! Everybody down on the ground!
Well, which is it, young feller?
You want I should freeze or get down on the ground?
I mean to say, if I freeze, I can't rightly drop
and, if I drop, I'm gonna be in motion. You see?
- Shut up! - OK, then.
- Everybody down on the ground! - You can forget that part about freezin'.
- That is till they get down there. - Y'all hear that, don't ya?
You wanna fill this up, partner? We gotta...
Shit! Where did all the tellers go?
We're down here, sir.
They're over there on the ground like you commanded, Gale.
I told you not to use my damn name.
Can't you even try to keep from forgettin' that?
Not even your code name?
Oh, yeah, yeah. My code name.
Y'all hear that? We're usin' code names.
All right, everybody. We're about ready to begin the robbery proper.
Hurry up, you dang hayseed!
All right, now y'all know how this here works.
That hayseed over there with the red hat, he's the monitor.
OK, you betcha.
I want you to stay flat for ten full minutes.
We mightjust come back in five to check. That's for us to know and for y'all to find out.
Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat.
That old-timer threw off my concentration. Otherwise it would have gone smoother.
Shoot, Gale. We done good. This oughta split up real nice three ways.
Goddammit, you never leave a man behind!
- Where's the baby? - Where's the baby?
Dammit, H I, ain't we got enough to contend with?
I don't know, ma'am. I thought we left him up on the roof. I think we left him at the bank.
Ms McDunnough, I'm worried sick about him!
- Hold on, H I. - I'm worried sick about him!
- Hi! - H I!
- Hi! - Ms McDunnough!
- Let us come with you! - Please!
He's our baby too!
- What is he? - Do you see him too?
Gimme that baby!
I want that baby!
Gimme that baby, you warthog from hell!
Just lay down on the floor, young missy.
- Run along now, honey. - But Hi...
Just run along now.
I... I didn't...
I'm sorry.
What the hell's goin' on?
Get away from there!
- Let's go. - Wait a minute. I ain't through with you.
What are you doin' creepin' around in the dark?
- You in with Smalls? - Excuse me?
Leonard Smalls. Big feller. Rides a Harley.
Dresses like a rock star.
No, sir. That's who we saved him from.
- It's a long story. - Suppose you tell it.
Well, sir, in a reward situation, they usually say "no questions asked".
- Do they? - Yeah.
Well...
All right, boy.
I guess you got a reward comin'.
$25,000.
Or, if you need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores.
In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it, for tax reasons.
We don't want no reward. We didn't bring him back for money.
We could work it that way too.
Could I just look at him a little bit more?
Be my guest, little lady.
But...
Would you mind tellin' me exactly how you...
You took him, didn't you?
It wasn't that biker at all.
I took him, sir. My wife had nothin' to do with it.
- I crept in yon window and... - We both did it.
We didn't wanna hurt him any. I just wanted to be a mama.
It wasn't for money or nothin'.
We just figured you had more than you could handle baby-wise.
But I'm the one committed the actual crime, so if you need to call the authorities...
Shut up. Nobody's gonna call the authorities if there's no harm done.
- Thank you, sir. - Aw, bullshit.
Just tell me why you did it.
We...
can't have one of our own.
Well, look...
If you can't have kids, you just gotta keep tryin'
and hope medical science catches up with you, like Florence and me.
It caught up with a vengeance.
But, hell, even if it never does for you, you still got each other.
Sir, those are kind words, but...
I think the wife and I are splittin' up.
Her point is that we're both kinda selfish and unrealistic,
so we ain't too good for each other.
Well, ma'am, I don't know much, but I do know human beings.
You brought back my boy, so you must have your good points too.
I sure hate to think of Florence leavin' me.
I do... love her so.
You can go out the way you came in.
And before you go off and do another foolish thing, like bustin' up,
I suggest you sleep on it.
At least one night.
That night I had a dream.
I dreamt I was as light as the ether,
a floatin'spirit, visitin' things to come.
The shades and shadows of the people in my life wrestled their way into my slumber.
I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison. Probably that's just as well.
I don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell coupla guys,
but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world.
And then I dreamed on, into the future,
to a Christmas morning in the Arizona home, where Nathan Junior was openin'a present
from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown.
I saw Glen a few years later,
still havin'no luck gettin' the cops to listen to his wild tales about me and Ed.
Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many.
I don't know.
But still I dreamed on,
further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before.
Watchin' Nathan Junior's progress from afar,
takin' pride in his accomplishments, as if he were our own,
wonderin' if he ever thought of us,
and hopin' that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little,
even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened.
But still I hadn't dreamt nothin' about me and Ed,
until the end.
And this was cloudier,
because it was years, years away.
But I saw an old couple bein' visited by their children
and all their grandchildren too.
The old couple weren't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids.
Dad...
And I don't know.
You tell me.
This whole dream.
Was it wishful thinkin'?
Was I just fleein'reality, like I know I'm liable to do?
But me and Ed, we can be good too.
And it seemed real.
It seemed like us.
And it seemed like,
well... our home.
If not Arizona, then a land not too far away,
where all parents are strong and wise and capable
and all the children are happy and beloved.
I don't know.
Maybe it was Utah.